Stupid Commercials!
by The Big Rocky Eye
Summary: Our favourite adepts (and not so favored adepts) have some products to market! Want to see their silly marketing pitches? Read inside! (Discontinued)
1. Part One

**Stupid Commercials!!**

Please don't kill me. It's just an idea me and my brother came up with one day.

DISCLAMER (a.k.a. the disclaimer): One should not assume, or otherwise imply that the author of this "fan fiction" (hereafter to be referred to as the "Author") owns the Golden Sun series of video games. The companies Nintendo and Camelot Software Planning own the above-mentioned video games.

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Stupid Commercials, Part One

_Isaac's Hair Care Products (Shampoo, Conditioner, and Hair Gel)  
_Indulge your hair in the wonderfully soapy shampoo, formulated by yours truly! Follow with the conditioner for any hair type, and then give your hair some extra spike with the extra-extra-strength hair gel!

* * *

_Mia's Secret Health Product!  
_The secret to a long and healthy life is in the pills! Consisting of all-natural sourced toluene, sodium laureth sulfate, deuterium oxide, petroleum jelly, glycerine, guar hydroxypropyltrimonium chloride and essence of hydrogen cyanide, you are guaranteed a ten-year increase in your lifespan!  
Mia Software Products make no guarantees that your life will benefit in any way from the ingestion of these pills.

* * *

_Garet and Jenna's Temper and Patience Reducer Formula  
_Tired of being Mister or Miss Level Head? Ever wish you could just throw a temper tantrum whenever you have to wait too long for anything? Well, then this formula may be just the ticket! Reduce the amount of patience you have and gain a shorter temper while you're at it! For use by Mars Adepts only.

* * *

_Alex's "Grow Perfect Hair in Twenty Minutes" hair renewal product!  
_Ever envy someone else's perfect blue hair? Well, be prepared to be envied by _him_ as you apply this patented formula onto your scalp! You'll lose all your imperfect, mundane hair in minutes and grow that perfect blue hair you've always desired!  
(Product takes effect twenty years after application.)_

* * *

Felix's "Go Off and Betray Your Home Town" Lip Balm!  
_Don't you just wish you could save the world by violating the sacred teachings of your home town? Well, as soon as you apply this special lip balm, the opportunity will fall straight into your lap! Does not include Saturos or Menardi.

* * *

_The Trident of Ankohl Forges  
_Need any custom-made weapons or armor? Then come right over to The Trident of Ankohl Forges, and have a nice chat with the apprentice, Piers, while the masters, Obaba and Sunshine forge for you that item you've always desired.

* * *

_Ivan's "I Made A Funny!" Theatre  
_Need to lighten up a little bit? Well, you have found the right place! Enter into the "I Made A Funny!" theatre and watch our master comedian, Ivan, at work! Laugh at his lame jokes and mundane antics! Discount for those in need of a morale boost.

* * *

_Sheba's "Child of the Gods" Bungee Jumping!  
_Hike on over to Jupiter Lighthouse, where you can indulge in the latest craze to hit Weyard: Bungee Jumping! Ride up the elevator for the low, low cost of one hundred coins, or ascend the lighthouse by yourself for five free jumps! Now you can feel like a true child of the gods!

* * *

_Menardi's Facial Cream  
_Want a pure white face? Well then what are you waiting for? Buy Menardi's Facial Cream today!

* * *

_Kraden's Skin Care System  
_Do you want skin so clean they're crinkled and worn? Well then, you have reached the correct aisle! Scrub your whole body clean with the sodium lauryl sulfate-enriched double-exfoliating soap, then apply the patented collagen-removal body lotion!

* * *

_Saturo's Fire Sauce  
_Want to add just that spicy edge to your cooking? Then add a drop of Saturo's Fire Sauce and watch your guests burn!

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_Kyle's "Fool Your Son Into Thinking You're Dead" mannequins  
_It's just so fun to fool your son into thinking you're dead! Get one of these amazing mannequins and start unleashing those boulders!

* * *

_Agatio's Instant Coffee  
_Want to convince that pesky girlfriend to kill her sister's murderer? If so, then just give her a whig of Agatio's Instant Coffee that morning! It'll give her enough energy to fire the beacon on Mars Lighthouse, without the Elemental Star!

* * *

So, how did you like? I'll update if there's enough reviews supporting it (say around five or so). 


	2. Part Two

Stupid Commercials, Part Two

Thanks to those people who reviewed. It seems as though the Trident of Ankohl Forges are quite popular.

Oh, and yes, these ads are getting lame. Blame it all on writer's block.

* * *

_The Complete Lectures of Kraden, First Edition, Volumes I-MMMMMMMMMMMCLXIX (The Early Lectures)_

Want to read the complete lectures of your favourite Alchemy sage, Kraden? Well, here are the first 11,169 volumes! Each book comes leather-bound and is anywhere from 2400 to 3600 pages long. Makes a great heirloom. ON SALE, ONLY $25.99!

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_The Complete Lectures of Kraden, First Edition, Volumes MMMMMMMMMMMCLXX-_ _MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMDLXXXIII (The Later Lectures)_

Here is volumes 11,170 to 20,583 of the famous and lengthy Lectures of Kraden. ON SALE! ONLY $15.49! BUY TODAY!

* * *

_Master Feh's Kung Fu Training_

Learn the art of Wind and Water, or Feng Shui as they call it. Learn about good home positions, how roads can make a difference in your luck, and learn about Chi as it affects your home and body.

* * *

_Master Hama's Kung Fu Training_

Learn from the master herself! Train in the art of self-defence! Forget Feh and his "Feng Shui"! For Jupiter Adepts only.

* * *

_Piers and Mia Inc. Tours_

Have you ever wanted to visit some of those exquisite towns and sanctums across the sea, but never have the time to do so? Well then, hop on board the only ship that bears the Wings of Anemos, fly over to your destination and have a good time! (Piers and Mia Inc. Tours is not responsible for returning any people back home. The customer must arrange for the trip back.)

* * *

_Proxian Fashions_

We know you want the Proxian look! From the hot skin colours to the thick robes, the Proxian style is in! Come on over to Proxian Fashions, your one-stop shop for skin dye, thick summer robes and everything else that's Proxian!

* * *

_Jenna's Gourmet_

Located in the heart of Vale, Jenna Gourmet is the latest hot spot for culinary aficionados! From the mouthwatering overcooked carrots to the juicy undercooked steaks, you are going to grovel and beg for more!

* * *

_Felix's "I Hate My Annoying Sister/Brother" Club_

Have a drink, sit around, relax and complain to your heart's content! Features weekly storytellings of Jenna annoying Felix to no end. People not allowed in: Anyone named Kay, Aaron or Isaac.

* * *

_A Trident of Ankohl Forges Special!_

For our hundredth anniversary, we are taking 50% off the price of any custom weapons or armor! Enjoy a 75% discount if you bring material for us to work with.

* * *

_Djinn Car Wash!_

Please support the United Djinn Sugar League! Car washes for only seven coins each! Enter with a dirty car, exit with a shining one! All funds go towards procuring sugar for Djinn.

* * *

I know, that was lame. Maybe the reviewers could suggest some things to put in the next update? 


	3. Part Three

Stupid Commercials, Part Three

Thanks for all those that reviewed. It's good to have some support sometimes. I wonder why no one noticed that most of the ingredients in Mia's Secret Health Product is toxic, especially toluene and hydrogen cyanide.

Now, for a shameless advertisement: Read my other fic, the one called Golden Sun Insanity! It took me a whole week to write it! [End shameless advertisement] Anyways, here goes!

* * *

_The Weyardian Lottery_

Please support the United Djinn Sugar League's efforts to procure more sugar for sugar-deprived Djinn. We are meant to be high on sugar, and our merciless owners won't give us any! For a mere thirty coins, buy a lottery ticket and donate to a good cause! Prizes include fifteen 5 lbs. bags of sugar, a very nice Excalibur (graciously donated by the Trident of Ankohl Forges) and a grand prize of 1,000,000 coins. Odds of winning a prize are 1 in 15! See a Djinni for details.

_

* * *

Isaac and Alex's Salon and Spa_

Well, a salon and spa...minus the spa. We only do hair. But hair, we do well. In fact, better than any other salon on the face of Weyard. We specialize in hair.

Come on in to the Isaac and Alex Salon and Spa, the best hair salon on all of Weyard! Want an extra-special hairstyle for that extra-special event? Well then, come on over and experience the magic of the Isaac and Alex Salon and Spa! Prices start at 100 coins.

_

* * *

Ivan and Sheba Psychic Services_

We do our job. No crystal balls, no tarot cards. We will call out the names of your friends and enemies by name. We will foresee your future and advise you on how to avoid bad situations as well as how to take advantage of good ones. Call Ivan or Sheba today at 551-PSYCHIC (779-2442).

_

* * *

Kraden's Point Out The Obvious Services_

Want someone to point out the obvious? Kraden's your man! He points out the obvious like no one can! And that rhymed for some stupid reason! And "stupid" can be rude sometimes! But rudeness is usually subjective! It's a good thing Kraden's not a philosopher! Hire Kraden today, and point out the obvious in _your_ life!

_

* * *

Lemurian Dumplings_

Increase your lifespan by thirty years just by eating Lemurian Dumplings, enriched with the waters of the Lemurian Spring. An additional bonus: they're tasty too!

_

* * *

Garet and Felix's "I Hate My Annoying Sister/Brother Club"_

Remember Felix's club? Well, he has struck a deal with Garet, and now the club is even bigger than before! We have recently received a license to serve alcohol to minors, so anyone can now join, provided you meet the entrance requirements, which are:

You have at least one brother or sister.

You hate at least one of them.

Your name is not Jenna, Isaac, Aaron or Kay.

_

* * *

Lover's Leap_

What better way is there to prove your love to the girl/boy of your dreams than to jump into the Eastern Sea from the top of Venus Lighthouse? None! Come on over and show some love to that special someone. (Advertisement commisioned by the Lalivero Ministry of Tourism.)

* * *

Thanks for reading. I know it was painful. This is probably going to be one of the last updates I do. I'm running out of decent ideas! (When me and my brother first thought up of it, we came up with very inappropriate things, such as Karst's Breast Enhancer.) Feel free to review though! 


	4. Part Four

Stupid Commercials, Part Four

DISCLAIMER: Would I be writing this if I owned Golden Sun? I think not.

Many thanks to SpasticDjinn for ideas. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

_

* * *

Isaac's Diary Excerpts_

Here's a very interesting excerpt from this book. Translation in brackets.

"Yes yes yes no yes no no no yes yes yes yes yes no no yes no no no no no no no."

[Yes yes yes no yes no no no yes yes yes yes yes no no yes no no no no no no no.]

For this and more, pick up "Isaac's Diary Excerpts" at your local bookstore today. Makes great blackmail!

_

* * *

Proxian Stupidity Course, Beginner Level_

For those wishing to have brawns without brains. Follow in the footsteps of Professor Agatio and learn the art of stupidity. Prerequisites: "Proxian Fashions, Intermediate" or equivalent; and "Proxian Swordfighting, Advanced" or equivalent. Now offered at Vale University, the University of Tolbi, and the University of Prox.

_

* * *

The Map of Painfully Obvious Djinn Hiding Places_

Can't find those pesky Djinn? Well, start with the painfully obvious ones! This map indicates the positions of five different Djinn: Flint, Forge, Gust, Quartz and Echo. Available at your local Kraden's store.

_

* * *

The Mystery Bag_

Contents: Mercury Star, Venus Star, Jupiter Star, Mars Star, Mercury Star, Venus Star, Orb of Force, Orb of Force, Halt Gem, Frost Jewel, Halt Gem, Dragon's Eye, Shaman's Rod, Shaman's Rod. All items exclusive to Mystery Bag Corp. Light the Lighthouses twice!! :)

_

* * *

The Encyclopedia of Weyard-Earth Knowledge_

Ever wonder why Saturos and Menardi painfully resemble James and Jesse (respectively)? Well, we don't have the answer, but we'll tell you lots of things nevertheless!

* * *

Well, that's all for now! I know, these chapters are getting shorter. Truth is, I'm running out of ideas and I'm working on a fic about Isaac and Mia's anniversary! 


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